My plan is I love you
by scaryand damaged
Summary: "I won't let you throw away this marriage for a man you are not even sure cared about you" Peter said to Alicia. Alicia has to live with her demons not taking the chance to talk to Will when he was alive. However, her answer might come from a friend who tries to right a wrong. I promise the story is better than the summary.


A/N After the Last Call, Alicia may never find out what Will wanted to tell her. But this isn't the only voicemail she missed. First time writing angst, I am very certain everyone is OOC. Please review.

* * *

"I won't let you throw away this marriage for a man, you are not even sure cared about you." Peter screamed.

"You are a bastard" I reply, angry and despetate, because he knows me well enough to know my Achilleas heel. I never came clean to Will, I never knew if he was angry with me or hated me when he died. I will have to spent the rest of my life wondering and that hurts. Sure, Diane said he loved me but can she really tell.

"And you are a selfish bitch. But you know what we are all that we have" Peter replies.

I start laughing hysterically. I don't know which I find funnier, the selfish or that all that we have part. Peter seems shocked by my reaction. I cannoy stop.

"Stop it." he says

I cannot.

"Stop it, Alicia" he says and he comes closer to me, grabs me by the shoulders to shake some sense into my I am angry again.

"Don't touch me" I hiss. "Take your hands off me."

"Alicia..." Peter backtracks shocked by my vehemence.

"You don't get to call me selfish. You left me with two children, no money so that you could get an extra blowjob. What were you thinking besides your dick? Then you come back expecting everything to be great. Well newsflash. They are not. I gritted my teeth and denied my feelings to keep this family together. I betrayed a person I cared deeply about. I did everything I could to have a proper life, You know what, Peter? My mom was right. Being happy is more important."

As he opened his mouth to retort, the doorbell rang. Peter took a deep breath and went to answer it. I returned to my wine. Eli. Of course.

"Hello, Peter these are..."he stops dead when he sees me. I know I look a mess and I don't care.

"How are you?" he asks

Before I can answer, Peter intervenes.

"Alicia is in the Wonderland. She abandoned realism and imagines a perfect life not lived, with a man that didn't care about her."

I feel my eyes burn, but I won't give him the satisfaction of breaking down. Without another word I grab my wine and go to my room.

I don't see Peter for another week, which is a relief. I need to be alone and mourn. One morning, I get a suprise visit from Eli at the firm.

"Did I forget something?" I ask trying to remember if we had an appoitmnent.

"No, I just wanted a word." Eli answers.

"Uhm, ok." I invite him in my office a bit unnerved by his tone. He sounds so serious.

"Do you believe what Peter said? That Will didn't care about you?" Eli asked me bluntly.

"Eli... Why do you care?"

"Because I do. Because you are not just the wife. Not anymore"

I ponder his words in silence for a few seconds. He is right, we have come a long way since our first meeting. Me finding him asleep on my couch at Lockhart/Gardner.

"I don't know. I want to believe he cared so much. Diane said he did. But I, we never talked about it. Not clearly you know. I am afraid I might be imagining things, gestures, words, meanings." I answer sincerely.

"I am going to tell you something. Something that might make you despise me."

"Eli you are scaring me."

"Remember Peter's press conference, when he announced he was running for State's Attorney?"

I nod. My throat is constricted. Another missed voicemail. Another missed opportunity to find out what Will was thinking, what he really wanted to say to me.

"You were on the phone with Will, I grabbed your phone and pushed you on the stage. You came down I gave you your phone"

"Yes, Eli I remember. Why are you reciting this story?"

Eli takes a deep breath. "Will left you a voicemail and I deleted it."

I suddenly feel like the air is knocked out of my chest. The second voicemail, the one I never got, this is why I never listened to it.

"You deleted the second voicemail?" I ask hoarse.

It's Eli's turn to look suprised. "You knew there were two?"

"Some wiretaps, doesn't matter. I knew he had left two messages and I kept wondering why I had received only one. Oh my God, Eli, how could you?"

"You were just the wife, that I needed to get my candidate elected. I am sorry."

I take a few deep breaths trying to calm down.

"What did he say? In the second voicemail."

"His plan was that he loved you ever since Georgetown. And if that made sense to you, you should meet him anyplace anytime to make a plan. If it didn't then pretend he never called."

"He loved me since Georgetown?" I asked with a shaking voice.

"Those were his words." Eli confirmed

"Eli, I am sorry I need some fresh air." I murmur and walk past him. He grabs my arm .

"Alicia..." he starts and I can see he wants to apologise and I don't need it, because it was another lifetime and Will is dead and he loved and nothing really makes sense anymore.

"Eli, we are fine, I just need some air." I reassure him and he lets me go.

I walk around and find myself on a bench by the lake. My mind keeps replaying Eli's words, Will's words. I take out my phone.

"Can you meet me at the lake now,please?" I ask

30 minutes later Kalinda sits next to me. Doesn't talk stares into the lake. Waits.

"Remember the voicemail, the lost voicemail between me and Will?"

"The one he left you before he died?"

"No, the one he left me at Peter's press conference."

Kalinda seems suprised and I understand she wasn't expexting this.

"Yes"

"Eli deleted it. This is why I never received it. He told me today what Will said. He said that he loved me since Georgetown. He loved me Kalinda." I whisper.

"I knew that." Kalinda says sad

" Did he still love me? After everything?" I asked almost scared

"He was angry and hurting. But I don't think he stopped loving you, not even for a second. I don't think he knew how to stop loving you."

"I loved him too, you know."

"I know that as well."

"Do you think he knew?" I ask

Kalinda was silent for a moment thinking

"I think deep down he knew or at least hoped."

"I hope he knew." I say quietly.

"Where do we go from here Kalinda?" I ask

"Be happy. That's what he wanted for you." Kalinda answers. "Be someone who is so satisfied that cannot take anymore."

"I am not sure I can do this Kalinda."

"Why because you are not that person?" Kalinda asks, echoing another conversation in a bar with one too many tequilas.

"No, not that. I am not sure what kind of person I am right now, actually." I laugh without humor. " I just don't know how to be happy without Will in my life."

Kalinda makes no answer, but reaches out and grabs my hand and squeezes. Silently we both watch the lake. No more words needed.


End file.
